I still remember The sound of your voice I hear you laughing I’m always asking If it’s only in my head I still remember The look in your eyes When I saw you in our apartment On the night I left you Dying on a hospital bed I may still remember now But pretty soon I won’t remember at all

Infant nostalgia's got me sick in the head Infant nostalgia, hanging on by a thread When I stall in the hall during visiting hours I hear of regret and I hear of remorse You talk of how things would have been different If it hadn't been for the divorce If you don't know why Can't say why Don't know why You do what you do Can't say why Then why'd you do it? Infant nostalgia lingers in the wing Out the door, make a left, then another A new mother cries as she smothers her child And there's no turning back from here, she reconciles We didn't see it when I checked you in How poetic it is that the babies inspire As the elders are preparing to expire And they don't know why Can't say why Don't know why It’s over so soon Can't say why Old lover, you don't come around You don't come around anymore Because you cut it all down And cut me out You cut it all down And cut me out Infant nostalgia, it was all over too soon Infant nostalgia, deep in my head Infinite nostalgia, I’m gonna lay you to bed Gonna lay you to bed

The lights in the hall Florescent house calls Nursing the curtains and the walls Outside is Death She’s an ex-girlfriend Who pretends to be uncertain And she fools you You say you’ll be all right But you don’t know If only you knew Knew what you need I’d believe you When each year that’s passed Makes you long for the last Maybe your judgement has lapsed You would know much better than I, though But this time last year It all felt so right We knew what we needed

By some miracle My senses are powering on Seemingly empirical The chemicals are nearly gone Pushing through my veins Reviving the pains And the strains And the drawl Normally afraid But today I want to feel it all Such a tempting stratagem To duck and cover it up I had them check for pathogens And I dumped some piss in a cup Unusually shy Or feasibly terrified, I stood by Waiting for the room to go black Waiting for my love to come back And I saw your reflection In the mirror on the wall Tonight Heavily medicate Give up the ghost and resign Chemically compensate Go out with not a whimper nor a whine And when I can't align with reality Nothing else can set me at ease It’s like I’m suddenly a detainee Patiently awaiting my release And in the nick of time In the thick of the sublime You walked out the door Ignored, I implored But what for? Let's try this once more Is it working? Oh, will I feel it in my head? "Not yet" I guess they'll need to up the dosage again But I heard your inflection Lying on your side of the bed Tonight I wanna know Are you all right? Oh, anesthesiologist Oh, anesthesiologist You gotta let me feel again, all right Oh, anesthesiologist Anesthesiologist Let me feel it tonight Don’t you wanna come back?

I’m picturing a room With a table and a chair You don’t look scared anymore But I can never be sure Alongside the table Is a dresser with a drawer To store all that’s yours Moments you cling to But don't remember anymore It all seems obscure What can I say While you’re away? What can I do If it hasn’t been proven That you’re under primary care? Am I just splitting hairs Or am I scared? I’m picturing a light It’s a cliché, oh, it’s trite But it’s bright through the night And when it flirts with your eye Reflections meander by Do you remember the day? We sat together on a plane The sun bathed the ground And as we combed through the clouds You said you wished that you knew how How they feel Should I regret I don’t see what’s next? Should I believe If only to grieve? You’re under primary care But no one knows where I think it’s not there

When you were young You'd knot your tongue Whilst you were hung Twiddling your thumbs Amongst those you considered bums Whose time had surely come As if you knew any better Although you were fettered Perhaps if you would have let her Set her things down to grab her keys Surely, she would have been pleased To unchain you Unchained from the being That you had tried fleeing too soon As you were still peeing your sheets Not yet cooking your eats Or out on the streets Collecting receipts In order to keep your seat at the table Oh, the privilege of childhood rings To the sound of melancholy strings But now I, with my wings, ask, "Why would I ever lust to cling to you?" When you were a teen You were so obscene Seemingly opposed to good hygiene Somewhere in between filthy and clean If you'd have lifted your head up from the screen Maybe you could have impressed them Was it time for an antidepressant double? For in the midst of the adolescent rubble Was an incandescent bubble that flickered You poked it 'til its light went out Though you knew without doubt That such a move would not be welcomed But then again, you were discontent Instant regrets of the afternoon spent Slitting your wrists on compact discs An indulgent faggot ignorant of the risks Though I’ve since learned to forgive Maybe it was the burgeoning taste for caffeine Or the way you balked at "the machine" As you crawled towards eighteen That made you covet the attention Oh, the wasteland of the puberty years Through the thirstiest of tears Before the dirty became clear And now I, in control of my own gears Say good riddance Later on, you hit your stride A few brief years with eyes wide And nothing to hide Entirely applied to the beauty Which surrounds us I’ve learned How quickly shits turn to glitz Once one admits That things could be worse And that neither a scar nor a curse Will destroy you Is it merely greed To have everything I need With healthy blood to bleed Vegetables to eat And shoes tied to my feet But a hunger for omissions? Oh, to be nineteen Lean and mean With nothing to lose All there is to choose from And now I, four years loose Have nothing more that I am due When I was on my way here I stopped by the pier The East River looking clear For the first time in years So elated, I swept a frigid tear To the side of my left ear A sightseer perched on a bench, so near "There's nothing to see here," I said As I contemplated jumping in But my memory, it interrupted Recollections of you Standing on a dock for the first time In my head is a mother of mine Who tucks me into bed at night And convinces me to be all right I never see her coming Until she opens up the closet door From above the basement floor The sounds of her longing roar And from her cultivated pores Is something more than I could ask for Oh, the mystery of sentimentality How impossible it seems To just let history be Without regurgitating dreams And now I, with my myriad schemes Should have no trouble leaving you behind

Locked doors and big drawers Hold you from now on Docked Fords and raincoats In the parking lot You see the rain come down As I button your gown But all you're wearing's a frown Wait for me Before you leave tonight And when the time is right I'll allow you to be free, as you please But when I step back outside I'll be looking for your eyes Amidst an evening walk on Harlem's waterway Beside a face that softly sways And here I stand, agaze Thinking it's you who has returned to stay But a face is a routine And you're an irregular mien Departure, she surrounds you again And like a mouse trap She's bound to your crown, when When my guard is down How she wraps around your eyes Wraps around the guise of your lies And you think it's too soon I watch you sink into the room Perfume clouds above your tomb As she slips you back into her womb There I can't betray her I'm not your savior Every night I hear you laughing Tell me, love What's so funny about Drifting away like dust? You say you'll be home soon You swear you'll be home soon Admit it, you're not coming back! I’m alone Now that you’re gone It’s all I’ve ever wanted But now that you’re gone I miss you And I love you Now that you’re gone Now that you’re gone

Wishful thinking every night Had I seen your reflection Or was it just a light? Walk me through your open door Whisper to me softly Upon a creaking floor In the night We move so slowly Dancing to the ticking clocks Wishful thinking every time I light the candle Just to watch its flame die Put my dreams in a time machine Turn back the clock And live them for me We all figure Time is on our side Fooled to believe it Until we’ve lost the right Don’t say you miss me Don’t say you care Don’t say you want me Don’t say you’re there You’re not there But in the end I guess the memories Are enough Tonight